When to Have Important Conversations with your child

Co-Authored by Lynne Fuller and Dr. Lily Hall

Bringing up the conversation about what an adolescent plans to do after high school can carry a range of emotions. Sometimes they are eager to embark on a journey where they can forge their own carefully planned path, others completely shut down the conversation and go into avoidance mode in the hope that the topic will not come up again for another few days, weeks, months, or even years. Understanding the signs of how to ease into such a big transition can help deescalate the feelings of not knowing what they want to do which can trigger fear and anxiety. 

Determining the right time to talk to your child about life after high school, which may include attending a two-year or four-year college, entering into an apprenticeship, taking a gap year, or heading straight to work, is a lofty conversation to have. However, it is possible to introduce the topic of life beyond high school in an affirming, confidence-boosting manner that leaves you, as a parent, and your child feeling that there are positive plans and goals for the future. 

Helpful tricks include starting conversations about career opportunities and training for those careers, like attending college, early – in fact, as early as preschool or elementary school – to make these talks and experiences feel fun, encouraging, and safe.

At the end of the day, pioneering psychologist Abraham Maslow established a hierarchy of needs that addressed life qualities that bolster human motivation and provide a sense of love, belonging, and security. Maslow’s Hierarchy includes the following: Physiological Needs (air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing), Safety Needs (personal security, employment, family, and social ability), Love and Belonging (friendship, intimacy, family, and sense of connection), Self-Esteem (confident, achievement, respect of others and to be unique), and Self-Actualization (morality, creativity, spontaneity, acceptance, purpose, meaning, and inner potential). 

As children move through the natural stages of development, your goal is to support and strengthen their ability to adapt, learn deeply about their interests, make healthy mistakes, and discover the tools necessary to feel safe in their decisions. However, when we are scared or worried – as parent or student – we often enter a fight-or-flight mode and remain mired in our physiological step (or riddled by anxiety). Embarking on conversations about leaving the nest can be extremely uncomfortable so let’s break down some developmental signs with actionable steps and conversation starters to help you gauge your child’s readiness. 

Developmental Signs

As early as preschool or elementary school, your child will develop natural interests and preferred activities. Notice what they enjoy and help them get curious about deepening these interests. If they enjoy baking, ask them what they love about this activity (e.g. is it enjoying a sweet snack, sharing with someone else, using equipment in the kitchen, the act of baking itself, or problem solving and working on a project from start to finish, etc.?). Help expand their knowledge of their topics of interest by exploring extracurricular activities that foster growth and development in this area (e.g., after school baking classes or a summer camp with a baking category). 

In early childhood, a parent’s goal is to cast the net wide and steer your child to various options as they begin early career exploration. Get out and visit places to visually stimulate, educate, and expand your child’s personal interests. Take them to the zoo to learn about animals and the responsibilities of zoo keepers, to the veterinarian for your pet’s check-ups to expose them to their role, a high school basketball game to see and experience where they will be attending in the future, or a college musical to feel the creativity and opportunity of a university. 

• Exposing your child to spaces and places including college campuses can help them feel encouraged, safe, and excited about their future plans and training opportunities. This experience also allows kids to learn, try new things, and make mistakes early on when the stakes are low. Not only does this expose children to new experiences and strengthen their interests, but it simultaneously reduces perfectionism and narrow thinking. Keeping the pressure low and leaning into the idea of being open to exploring interests with your child allows them to feel safe in this new type of discovery.

As children enter the 8th grade, conversations shift to their high school experience and life after the next four years. This is a terrific time to talk about likes, dislikes, course selection, and choosing electives that align with their interests or challenge them to stretch. It is also a time to move into clubs and activities that expand their involvement in their community, social experiences, and to develop career aspirations.

• Conversation starters could look like: How do you want to spend your time outside of the classroom? What activities made you truly happy throughout middle school? What do you see exploring in high school?

Interest in Future Planning

If your child shows curiosity in learning about your career or careers in general and starts to ask how did someone get that job, it might be a good time to initiate these types of conversations.

• Conversation starters could look like: Do you know what I do at my job? Do you know what roles and responsibilities it includes? How much or how little I typically engage with my coworkers? It is also important to talk about pivoting, changing jobs or careers as you gain additional skills and that following one particular path is unlikely.

Nonverbal Signs

Body Language

Observe your child's body language during discussions about the future. Positive body language, such as engaged eye contact and open postures, can indicate receptiveness. Negative body language, such as leaning away, adjusting in their chair, not facing you directly, or even crossing arms to block their chest, shows that they are closed off and having trouble engaging in the conversation

Conversation starters could look like: I want to bring up talking about the future which can be really scary to think about, how about we talk about this month and set a SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound) goal that takes a few weeks to accomplish. When setting goals and working toward them over time, time passes no matter what, but when it is done with a sense of purpose the time or the future feels much less scary. Can we talk about setting a goal for a marking period, semester, and year? 

Expressed Goals or Dreams

If your child starts expressing specific goals or dreams for the future, it's a cue that they might be ready to explore career and education options.

Conversation starters could look like

That is a great idea, how about we carve out some time and research programs that support your goals? I am so excited that you are thinking about what you really enjoy doing, have an ability in, and are willing to grow your skills to pursue it, let's take a walk and think about who you admire in these spaces.

Verbal Signs:

Initiating Conversations:

Conversation starters could look like: There are many pieces to building your life beyond high school, let’s start with some basics (select one at a time) where do you want to live, what kind of people do you want to surround yourself with, what type of career would you like to pursue, does that involve earning a college degree, apprenticeship, training, or do you need more time to find yourself. Revisit this conversation as it will evolve over time.

Expressing Concerns or Preferences: 

Conversation starters could look like: I know that there are many worries as you grow older, let’s talk about how we can come up with a plan of action to tackle each one to offer you confidence if you were to face something similar in the future. Rehearsing answers can help ease anxiety and engender confidence.

Academic Performance:

Interest in Subjects

If your child develops a keen interest in specific subjects or areas, it could be an indication of potential career interests.

• Leverage those interests with course selection that aligns, involvement in activities, clubs, and extracurriculars that help foster their experiences, and then reflect on what worked and what didn’t. These are terrific signs of the kinds of teams they want to engage with in the world of work and how to determine what fit and feel is right for them.

• Take your child to work day, one-day internships or shadow experiences, summer internships, pre-college programs, free online coursework, dual enrollment classes, and community college courses are all ways in which students can explore their academic interests that may otherwise be unmet in a high school curriculum. 

• Performance and Goals: Assess their academic performance and whether they have set academic goals. This can help tailor discussions to their aspirations.

  Complete an academic audit after every semester. During this time you can help them analyze what was appropriately challenging, what was too much, and what was too little. 

Social Interactions:

Peer Discussions

If your child talks about future plans while in the back seat of a carpool with peers or friends, it may suggest that they are ready to explore these topics with you.

When you have moments alone, even if it is five or ten minutes say hey phones down, can we discuss what you were all talking about, how comfortable do you feel about planning for some next steps, and how can I help you?

Networking Interests

If your child shows interest in networking or connecting with professionals in particular fields, it might be a good time to discuss career options.

Take a walk through LinkedIn, research who they know to be leaders in various industries, review how they got to where they are, their ideas, and how they leveraged opportunity to be creative.

Read a few articles from various posts on what information is shared in this platform.

Start to follow social accounts together of industry leaders that you admire together and discuss news stories.

Conclusion

Remember, every child is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. It is essential to create an open, supportive environment, to allow your child to express their thoughts and aspirations where you can start and stop the conversation that aligns with their level of readiness. Remember, the earlier you begin these discussions and explorations the better your child’s readiness will be by the time they reach high school when the conversations about life beyond traditional academic walls become a reality. Maslow was right, it is necessary to feel a sense of safety (physically and mentally) and self-esteem on the path as they stretch for self-actualization. Helping your child discover their potential based on their interests and exploring new and different experiences will only deepen their understanding of themselves which lightens their load as they take flight from the nest.